My Marriage Advice

My beautiful sister got married a few of days ago. I told them that I didn’t have any advice for them. I have only been married for 5 years, what could I possibly know? Well, although 5 years may not be a long time in the whole grand scheme of things. We have a lot more to learn about marriage, each other, parenting, communication, and basically everything. We DO have a lot to learn, but we also have learned a lot. In just 5 years we have moved 6 times, bought two vehicles, bought two homes and have had 3 boys. We have both learned so much about marriage in these 5 years and I DO have advice to give. So here it goes…

Dear Collin & Emily,

I am so happy that you guys are married. Welcome to the married club! I simply love marriage. I love living with my best friend. I love seeing him every single day and I love falling asleep next to him every single night. I love having somebody who will always listen and whom I can always talk with. I know it may sound cliché, but I truly do love Derek more and more each and every day. When we got married I had no idea that I could love him more, but I do. Creating a new life with him brought so much more love, respect, compassion, and trust. I DO have advice that has allowed Derek and me to be as happy as we are.

1. Don’t Focus on the Negatives: Hey, news flash, we all have weaknesses. We all have issues that we are trying to overcome. I do have weakness. Derek does have weaknesses. We have weaknesses as a couple. However, DO NOT focus on those things. If you focus on the bad then it’s really hard to think about the good. There are some days that you will bother each other. There are days that Derek is doing “everything wrong” and it is driving me bonkers. But, there are days where I am probably killing Derek inside. Emily, don’t look at Collin and think, “these are all the reasons why he is not perfect” and certainly never tell him. That goes for you too Collin. Collin don’t focus on Emily’s faults, and certainly don’t tell her. I would assume that both of you know your weaknesses and you don’t need to hear them from the one person you love more than anything. FOCUS on the positive. If you really are struggling with one another then you should think about all of the reasons you love them.  Derek is kind. Derek is such a good father. Derek would literally do anything for me and does anything I ask him to do. Derek is spiritual, loyal, and wonderful. Even writing those things make me remember how amazing my partner in life really is! I understand that you don’t want your partner to do things that bother you for the rest of your life. It is healthy to talk and express your concerns. For example: If your partner doesn’t do the dishes, you could tell them that they need to do some of the house work too.
2. Don’t Yell: David O McKay once said, “Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.”  Before Derek and I got married we talked about marriage. We talked about what kind of things we wanted in our home, how we wanted to raise our children, and how we wanted our relationship to look like. One of the BIGGEST things that we both wanted to focus on was to avoid yelling. I didn’t want a marriage where we yelled at each. I didn’t want a relationship where we tried to shout over each other and tear each other down…especially in front of the children. I can honestly say that we have only been in one yelling fight since we got married. After THAT fight, we both felt terrible and we could totally feel the spirit leave our home. The spirit can’t be in our home when we are yelling. Just don’t yell. Nothing gets done with yelling. What are you trying to accomplish?
3. Don’t Take Family’s Side: Collin, Emily is you number 1. Always. She is always your first. Not your sister. Not your mom. Not your Dad. God and our Savior are the only people who should come before her. Emily, Collin is your number 1. He is always first. Not me. Not mommy. Not your dad. Not your brother. God and our Savior are the only people who should come before him.
4. The Honeymoon Doesn’t Have to End: When Derek and I had only been married for a few months we went over to a married friend’s home. They had been married for 3 years. They were bickering with each other about something really stupid and she turns to me and says, “the honeymoon stage doesn’t last forever.” When we left we were very sad. We were sad for them and we were sad for us.  In just a few years would be fighting and being rude to each other at a dinner party with our friends? If that is how they treat each other in public then how do they treat each other behind closed doors? You know what? We have been married for over 5 years and OF COURSE things have changed. OF COURSE our marriage has changed from when we were 3 months married to now being 5 years married. We have three kids. We barely have any time together. We often go to sleep at different times at night. Our free time is spent…wait, what free time? We get a date night probably once a month. We spend more time listening to stories about fighting bad guys and stinky underwear then we do each other. However, we have grown so much closer through these changes. I don’t know why people are so afraid of marriage changing? It changed for the better. We changed from two different people to one united front. We have learned to be intertwined. It is an amazing thing. Derek and I are happy the honeymoon doesn’t last forever. I LOVE where we are right now. I still get butterflies when I see Derek. I still get goosebumps when I think about him. It is just different. And that is OKAY. We become stronger everyday.
5. It’s actually Okay to go to bed angry: I know that every single person will tell you to not go to bed angry. You know, sometimes it’s actually okay to go to bed angry. Derek and I have three young kids. We are tired. Always. Sometimes we aren’t mad at each other. Sometime we are just tired. It is okay to get tired and it is okay for your emotions to get the better of you because you are tired. You guys are human. Just accept you are tired and then go to sleep. If you are still upset about it in the morning then you can talk about it. Most ALWAYS I wake up and thank myself for not getting angry the night before. Don’t fight tired!!

Emily and Collin, I wish you guys the best of luck. Marriage hasn’t really been all that difficult so far. Derek and I are a great team. However, we have only been married for 5 years and so maybe there is time for us to hate each other. Marriage takes LOTS of communication and LOTS of learning. Learn from your mistakes. Try to learn from each other mistakes. Say sorry a lot. Forgive always. Remember to always lean on the Savior. Keep God at the center of your relationship and everything will fall into place.